It’s the question I’ve heard more times than I can possibly count.
“Why didn’t you just leave?”
Or worse: “I would never put up with that.”
On the surface, it sounds like a logical question. If someone is being abused, physically, emotionally, financially—why wouldn’t they just walk away? But the question reveals more about what we don’t understand than what we do. And more often than not, it shifts the blame to the victim instead of the person responsible for the violence.
Let’s start reframing this question.
Why doesn’t he stop hitting her?
Why doesn’t he stop threatening, controlling, humiliating her?
Why do we keep asking women to justify their survival, instead of holding abusers accountable?
To abuse is a choice. It’s not about anger or stress or someone,“losing control.” It’s about exerting control.
Each day I endured the abuse, I silently asked the same question; why am I still here?
But the answers were far more complex than most people want to hear.
Because I was afraid.
Because he said he would kill me.
Because I had no money.
Because I had no support system.
Because no one would believe me.
Because I had children to protect.
Because I had nowhere to go.
Because I had been systematically stripped of my confidence, my freedom, and my voice.
Because the fear of leaving felt just as dangerous as staying.
I didn’t stay because I wanted to, I stayed because I was surviving.
And for so many women, that is the heartbreaking truth no one wants to face.
